Email etiquette

Okay, I've been on the internet since, well, since before there WAS and internet. But we still had mail back then and there has been an etiquette about mail since at least the early 80s. Some of the information gets updated as new technology springs up. So, here's the early '09 edition of Digital Heloise.

CONTENT

First of all, you must realize that anything you put in email should be handled in exactly the same way as regular mail. Many of the same laws apply, but more importantly, the same social dynamics apply, only faster. For instance, if you think your boyfriend isn't going to share that scented letter on pink parchment with a room full of frat boyz, you're delusional. But similarly, if you write a sufficiently hot letter in email, you can be sure someone is reading over his shoulder, or will get the first round of forwarding.

So, watch your content. Don't put anything in there you wouldn't mind other people seeing, and certainly don't put in stuff you wouldn't want to end up in court. [Emails are now admissible, from the right source] There's a program called Carnivour that's in most major providers now (Earthink was the first to roll over like a good puppy). It sniffs emails for certain keywords. So you can be sure that every crack you ever made about shooting George Bush in the face has ended up in some FBI file or another.

Same with pictures. If you don't want nude pictures of yourself ending up on the internet... DON'T TAKE ANY! Like that girl from High school musical, we may never know if she actually, naively took some secret shots intended for her boyfriend alone; or if her PR manager suggested she do it so that she'd get more attention just when she was ready to break out. But the point is clear: no one can be trusted forever. Eventually they'll get mad at you and send them out, or get stupid and let someone unscrupulous get ahold of them, and BAM, you're a porn star.


Audio-Visual cues. You might be smiling when you type something, or it may sound sarcastic in your head. But what we hear on the other side is "whirrr- Click", and what we see is a bunch of 12pt. black lines. It doesn't matter what, exactly, you do to rectify this, just as long as you do SOMETHING. Emoticons were custom made for this. You know the little sideways smiley faces like this > ;o) <. Some people use the Manga Eyes version =o.O= where the little Kilroy set of eyes should tell you all you need to know. And some people get a little funny with html tags. Which is best? None of them. The only wrong one to use is "nothing". Worse, to start using one of them, then forget sometimes.... then they're never sure what's up.

Oh, almost forgot. ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MEANS, PRETTY UNIVERSALLY, THAT YOUR VOICE IS RAISED. MORE THAN A COUPLE OF WORDS AND IT'S CONSIDERED "YELLING". USE THIS _ONLY_ WHEN YOU'RE actually yelling. ;o/

APPLICATION

Your mail application should have the basic set of features. There's good ways to use them, and bad ways. For most individual letters, you're gonna use the "To:" field for the address and be done with it. This is totally fine. It's when multiple people get mailed that many folks start getting fuzzy.

First, you need to know your audience. If you're sending to a bunch of people who all know each other well (say, 'the coffee club"), and you're SURE they all have each other's mail addresses, then it's generally OK to put all the addresses in the To: field and send away. HOWEVER, many folks have announcement lists, joke lists, etc with people from all parts of their life (family, friends, co-workers, mistress, etc) where the To: and even the CC: field wouldn't be appropriate.

Why? You ask... well, let's start with what each field is for:
To: sends a copy of the letter to every address in the to field, and posts those names in the quick view of people's email applications.
CC: sends a copy of the letter to every address in the to field, and does NOT post those names in the quick view but they can be seen once the letter is opened.
BCC; sends a copy of the letter to every address in the to field, and hides the addresses in this field from all other recipients.

The original ideal behind these goes something like this. You feel like your boss is sexually harassing you. So, you send a letter TO him saying how you feel and that he should stop immediately. You CC his boss so that he knows it's not just between the two of you and this has other folks involved. Also, his boss notes that the letter is addressed to his subordinate and doesn't call you with a confused apology. You BCC your lawyer so that an exact copy gets out at the same time just in case you're fired on the spot, then you have a paper trail to work with. Worst case scenario, but I think it brings the point home.

Now, in modern emailing, let's get back to that joke list. First, you don't just put people on lists, you ASK them first. (This is called Opt-In mailing, ie, they know about it before they start getting mail). It's polite. Also, there's been attempts at legislation to make Opt-Out mailing illegal (ie when they start sending the mail and give you a way to get off the list). But more important is to protect their address. Put the ENTIRE joke list addresses in the BCC field instead of the other two, then put YOURSELF in the To column. Many mailers will not let you have an empty To, Subject, or Body area. This way, your co-workers don't end up on one of your friends' sports lists, or the monday night bridge roundtable.

SPAM

First of all, you should never buy anything that arrives in your email. EVER! There's enough spam and identity theft scams out there that anyone who actually has something to sell will find a better way. Even if you do luck out and find that one, honest email offer, you're only promoting the spam experience for other companies who see that it's working. Spam is potentially more damaging than viruses. Many companies and individual pay for mail (and internet) service by the bandwidth used. Spam dramatically increases the traffic through almost every machine, and causes lost emails due to over-filtering. It's the digital equivalent of all those Starbucks cups and water bottles gathering in the Pacific.


Now, here's some important tips to reduce spam in our lifetimes:

1) Set your mail app to "do not download images" If something slips through the spam filter and you have one of those split screen mail browsers, just clicking it to get rid of it could pull a request for the images and verify that your address is real, and read. By not downloading images, you may not get off the spam list, but you don't move up the ladder either into the "preferred sucker" list.

2) Never opt-out. If you didn't opt in, then don't opt out. Again. many of these opt-out scams are just a way to track active addresses.

3) never,ever, NEVER-EVER open files you didn't request. You might know so many people that you might not know who's sending you .doc files, but for crying out loud, get a company list and check against it when you get something.

4) Report to Spam Cop. If you have the time, reporting spammers can mean faster turn-around for eliminating their schemes. Generally, they take over a server (happened twice in the same week to me) and have their spam go to a fake site that they install in the server. Spam cop will figure this all out and notify the appropriate people. As soon as the cracked server is shut down or repaired, then none of that wave of spam will work if other people hit the links.

5) Your penis cannot be enlarged, there's no foreign wad of money waiting for you, and russian brides know WAY more about our legal system than you do. Think about it. If "it" was actually true (whatever it is), then you wouldn't need a spammer to get the word out. If they ever invent a pill to make penises bigger, it'll be on EVERY news and blog in the world.

6) That joke isn't funny, the kid isn't sick, Microsoft will NOT pay you for forwarding this letter. Chain letters turn YOU into a voluntary spammer. There's a great site called Snopes that allows you to check and see if the claims on most emails are true. Poke around and see a few of the scams that have been perpetrated.

Finally, learn all you can about your anti-spam software. Look for feature like "whitelists": a place where you can say that NOTHING from these addresses should ever be considered spam. Check the spam folder frequently. Remember spam is designed to look like real mail. A LOT of real mail gets caught in the spam filter. And sometimes you can dil it down so that no real mail gets caught, but the stuff that gets sent to multiple addresses does.


Email is one of the most important methods of communication today. By allowing spammers to take hold and control it, you give up a big part of our culture, and one of the best methods of global communications yet. Treat it nice.

No mo' Gitmo

Okay, so it was a day late, but Gitmo will be closed in a year, giving enough time to transfer out the detainees, close up the prison, re-assign the officers and fire the nuke.

Waterboarding and other aggressive interrogation tactics are outlawed.

And Microsoft is laying off people.

It's a good day.

No more LAFC

When people here the news that there's no more LAFC, they ask "WHY? what happened?" And I wish I had a really good answer.

Last year, we discovered that the Pyro, no matter how unsafe, was a more important part of "The Burn" than the fire performers. I called out Crimson in an open letter, but the response did not answer the core questions. We had no communication until this month.

So finally, I sent her a letter at the end of last year:

"So, it's looking like enough previous members are gonna be returning to make LAFC happen for 2009.

The question on my mind is: did I piss you off too much? You've never gone silent on me and I don't know if I should hand off the torch to someone else to give the lafc a fair shot at the great circle."

Not exactly groveling, not snarky or mean. Just a straight question. But, certainly an open door. I think, subconsciously, I wanted her to step through. She did.

She came back stating that the list was shut down, LAFC would not return, and that I could not function as a Shin, co-shin or helsman. She listed two reasons why, neither of which I believe.

"You continue to complain year after year after year and one of those complaints is about having to create choreography."

For the record, LAFC voluntarily started group choreography long before it was a requirement. This is one of the reasons she came to us in 2004 to build her fiasco "the Pulse". I've never had a problem building group choreography. I HAVE had a problem with the inequity about choreographic judging and the level of work different groups are expected to do. In 2006 both Amber and I were read the riot act about our choreographies looking too similar to the previous years (for different reasons. That was the second year in a row that LAFC had combat choreography). While, that year, other groups literally did the same, exact choreography.
No, I don't have a problem doing choreography, I have a problem being expected to produce while others phone it in.

"Your leadership is being questioned by members of the community and former members of LAFC will not be returning if your are in any kind of a leadership role."

This is EXACTLY why there are more than four groups in conclave. Back in 2000, crimson called 4 people to help her run the conclave. I was one. But after that year, most of the SFFC would not return if Crimson was at the helm. So she opened it up to any group. And yes, Mutaytor split off LAFC immediately, and in progressive years Phoenix split off from them, Pois in the hood split off from LA, Garnish split off early, And the more geographically convenient groups, San Diego and Santa Barbera pealed off too. People have had MANY options for spinning in LA, One person is not an excuse not to spin.

So. You can see why I don't believe her answer. But it's not like she could say "I didn't like that you called me out on the pyro thing last year". Nor could she say, "I'd rather have people that kiss my ass, and you're more trouble than you're worth." Whatever. I think it's politics, or fate, or whatever. It really doesn't matter to me. And here's why.

Back around 2002, I was known as "the safety Nazi." And when we started NAFAA, some people joined just to make sure we didn't "regulate them out of a job". It was a weird time, but I learned a lesson in duplicity. I had to leave my fire troupe because of a member who was a chronic drinker. And I don't mean a regular social drinker, I mean I didn't feel safe until she had a couple of drinks in her. Those people who joined to keep an eye on things started remarking about how I was performing with someone who broke the very first rule of the NAFAA guides. I couldn't live with the hypocrisy, so I left the troupe to keep NAFFAA clean.

About 2 years ago, we started Red Swan. And though it's not delineated in the mission statement, it was our goal to elevate fire performance into a respected art form. To place people in corporate events that have been previously inaccessible. And we wanted to get performers out of gigs where they are disrespected, underpaid, or mistreated. But again, I run into the duplicity.

Burning man expects people to pay to be in conclave, yes, they get a great party, but they're formally expected to work for months on their choreography, provide video proof of their work, compete for the position AFTER putting in all the work, show up days early to check in, show up 2 hours early for the gig, no dressing room, no bathroom, bad communication, bad organization. Frequently, their well-planned choreography gets cut significantly by upwards of 15 minutes. THEN, they have to protect themselves as 40,000+ people turn into a frenzied mob, often trampling equipment or performers. You can't really say they get the same party as everyone else, because they're expected to be sober for the performance.

Yeah. Now, frost that cake with the fact that I've gone a little deeper into debt each year I've gone to the Burn, while my business(es) suffer from my absence. You can see that I have plenty of reasons not to go. I'll miss my friends, but I dare say I won't miss putting up with Crimson's shit any more.

Ebony and Irony

Ebony and Irony live together in pure dis-harmony
Side by side in the Senate main floor, oh lord, why dont we?

Neo's know: that people aren't the same where ever they go.
There is good and bad ...in other folks,
But nothing wrong, with any song
they choose to sing, until they get nailed ... and then they get jailed.

Ebony and Irony live together in pure dis-harmony
Side by side in the Congress main floor, oh lord, why dont we?

Ebony, Irony living in perfect harmony
Ebony, Irony, nooooo

Dems all know that people are the same where ever they go
There is good and bad in evryone,
They've learned to hide, they've learned to slide
Each other the slack need to survive 'till Gingrich arrives.

Ebony and Irony live together in pure dis-harmony
Side by side in the chambers Supreme, oh lord, why dont we?

Ebony, Irony living in political harmony (repeat and fade)

Eco Gym

I am releasing this idea to the world. For I am lazy and unwilling to see it through to it's end. So use it if you wish and think good thoughts of me if you do.

Since the Yuppies still insist on climbing fake stairs, walking treadmills, and riding fake bikes, all instead of just doing the real thing, I suggest we put them to work. Instead of pugging this equipment in to give them digital readouts, why not plug generators in and let them provide power? Heck, at least enough power could be generated to run the bloody machine. A few bikes in a spin class could power a pretty nice sound system. A whole gym that runs on the power of the people pushing generators instead of friction wheels would be a beautiful thing.

So, come on Bowflex, Weider, Nautilus, and Golds, let's see some training devices that are also power devices. Then, people can not only get buff and built, but they can get green as well....

Go Hulk!

MILK COUNCIL SCANDAL!

Shocking pictures released indicate that the cows chosen for the California Milk and Cheese ads have been regularly subjected to casting couch auditions. These "casting cows" rarely ever even see a camera, let alone make it on screen. But they are subjected to the lowest form of humiliation nevertheless.

"These charges are patently ridiculous", claims David Bilkson, chief treasury director of the Milk Council. "Anyone could have taken those photos. You can't even see faces, I mean, how do we know they even auditioned?"

The state prosecutor, Dirk Benson, vows to unveil the entire scandal and bring the entire ring to justice. "Thank God this came out after people got their Milk for Santa," he ruefully admits.

DJ Grumpy Bear

I learned a lot tonight.

1) you CAN pull together a choreographed piece in two days.
2) NEVER listen to a promoter who says he "just wants xmas music"
3) NEVER listen to 'the drunk girl' when she says a music change is in order.
4) never let her friend select the music.
5) never trust strangers with your sound system.
6) A second change in music type is NOT the answer.
7) Never judge a celebrity by the cover.
8) even female body builders/ wrestlers can be effeminate, fragile, or out of their element. (Yeah, I met Chyna tonight)
9) it's never THAT bad, even when half the floor clears (from the drunk chick's music)

So, for my first, paid DJ gig, it could have been worse. I should have stuck to my guns and told the drunk chick to piss off, but after being told to switch from xmas music to "anything" else, I was caught off guard. Psytrance was keeping the party going and was neutral enough to allow people to chat and carouse. Once I got rid of "that retro shit" and played Gloria Estefan, it completely killed my vibe. Plus, after a song or two the drunk chick was back bugging me to play "something danceable". I think it would have been a much better party if I had pushed her in the pool.