11 October 2010

Columbus day

Things to do while waiting for the mail on Columbus Day

Really, there's nothing like Columbus Day for the ultimate non-holiday. He didn't "discover" America. How can you "discover" a place that's already occupied? He wasn't even the the first European to get here, the vikings clearly made it first. And before them, the Asians traded Jade here. And long before that, on the steppes of russia, someone crossed an ice bridge to get here and start the human population. But, the mail stops running anyway. So here's a few things to do to "honor" his "achievement".

  • Go on a LONG trip (kinda goes without saying). But not just around the corner, you need to go somewhere SO FAR that someone else has to fund your trip.

  • Remember, you can ignore the accepted laws of nature when you do. 1000 years before columbus sailed, the size of the earth was known. To sail from England straight to China is almost as long a trip as going 'round the other way. The difference is: no place to stop (if the America's aren't there). The crew was near starvation when they landed in Bermuda.

  • Go someplace that doesn't speak your language, but don't take a translator. Off to China, no one even speaks Mandarin.

  • Go looking for drugs. Columbus was looking for a faster Opium trade route.

  • Remember, No matter where you end up, that's where you meant to arrive. If you're heading for Florida and end up in Ohio, make sure to call them all "Gators". Columbus died believing he had landed on India, twice. He didn't take an interpreter the second time either.

  • Make friends wherever you end up. And of course we treat our friends properly by raping, enslaving and killing them. Once they're dead, you can plunder their homes.

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