Columbus Daze

Okay, so, Columbus Day is coming up a week from Monday. And since I always forget to do this on time, I'm doing it early. (kinda like those stores that are schlepping out the Xmas stuff already).

Back in 5th grade, we got fed the propaganda about this most beloved of early US figures: the man who "discovered" America...

Yeah, right. If that were true, there wouldn't be North American Natives with Viking Blood in them. Also, the Inca wouldn't have had anything made of jade. You see, Jade is found only one place in the world: China. And let's not forget the "Indians" he found... somebody had to cross the land bridge...

**AARRGH**

Okay, so, for the record, here we go.
1) People -knew- the world was round long before Columbus. In fact, the size of the earth was known in ancient Greece, accurate to within a couple hundred miles. Columbus wasn't out to "prove" the world was round, and even if he was, he did not succeed, Magellan did.
2) He wasn't looking for a new land. Ancient Ottoman maps, that he may have seen, depict South America and a snow-free Antarctica. Plus viking lore of new lands were well known at that time.
3) He WAS looking for a shorter ocean route to Asia. Going around African and India to get to China was a real drag. And despite the ancient greek figures showing a direct sea route from england to China being four times as long, with no place to land, he thought he'd try anyway.
4) He WAS looking for drugs. The primary import from China, even more valuable than silk, was opium.
5) The THOUGHT he'd landed at India. That's why they call the natives here, "Indians". Dots, not feathers. Columbus didn't know the difference.
6) This meant that he actually sailed on an expedition to a land he knew almost nothing about. If he actually had someone who knew anything about India on board, he would not have made the mistake. But since no one on board spoke either the language of the natives, nor the primary languages of the orient, he could not distinguish the two. And if he actually wanted to reach China, why didn't he sail north from the Caribbean's?
7) Nevertheless, he pressed the new "friends" into slavery. Okay, so, he thought he had sailed 'round the other way to Asia, landed in India, and since he couldn't speak the language, he brought a whip.
8) The rest of his "friends" died of polio and other diseases. Not really his fault, but one of those diseases was syphilis. Some folks got no respect.
9) Since he couldn't secure opium, he brought back what drugs they had: tobacco.

So, celebrate "columbus day" the way it should be done:
Get lost, looking for drugs
Make new friends wherever you end up
Kill and enslave them.
Steal their stuff (don't forget the medicine cabinet)
Claim their land as your own
Kill anyone who disagrees.


... it's the American Way.